Monday, November 10, 2008

My eyes are mine

So I've been thinking a lot about perspective lately. I am still amazed at how vastly it changes, and how quickly those changes can happen. A mere month ago I was still scared shitless to be out of college and in the real world, I was convinced that by working a shitty job I was going to be stuck in a shitty job for the rest of my life, and that up until now, my whole life had been a glorious hoax.

Now, I am recently out of a job, and interviewing for more, with optimistic prospects. I do not miss school on a daily basis, and I find myself actually learning things because I truly want to, not because someone else told me to do it and I may or may not have agreed. And I've finally (almost...) come around to accepting a life that is relatively stress-free as a good thing, rather than a sign that I'm not working hard enough. The other day I was walking down one of the oldest streets in St. Paul and happened to catch the tail-end of a funeral. This was sad, but the good part was that I plopped down on some steps across the street from the church just in time to catch one of the most beautiful carillon performances I have heard to date. I had no idea when I woke up that morning that I would witness such a performance that day, and I realized how amazing it is that right now, at this pivotal part of my life, I had the opportunity to truly appreciate everything about that moment.

I've been walking a lot lately. I find that it calms me, and provides me with a sort of brain-recess, where I allow my thoughts to wander completely to the most absurd and useless places. I suppose it is some sort of meditation, except instead of my goal being to clear my mind, I basically just let it run around until it is tired and finally goes down for a nap. By the time I make it back up my front steps, I feel very much at peace with what is happening for me these days.

And don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of moments where I wonder, what the hell am I doing? How am I going to meet my ultimate goal? When am I going to go to grad school, and where? What am I going to do for the rest of my life?? But I just have to trust that at some moment, the picture will focus, if only briefly. I suppose you could say that right now I'm just working to figure out how the damn camera works.

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