tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30888527384722135312024-02-21T07:52:31.684-06:00Spiral Aurora"Don't reach out to your audience. Instead, light a fire that can be seen from miles away."rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-20473994155989775672010-02-22T09:13:00.002-06:002010-02-22T09:23:36.971-06:00Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.............<br /><br />That, dear friends, is the relieved sound of my soul sighing after a much-needed weekend of, not quite rest and relaxation, but definitely rejuvenation and soul-breathing.<br /><br />I feel like my spirits were being starved, but I didn't realize it until someone sat me down in front of a plate of food.<br /><br />Mmm. <br /><br />Please check out <a href="http://www.mattwilsonjazz.com">this</a> site.<br /><br />I remembered this weekend why I want to be a musician. Who I want to be. I remembered Mindfulness. Not how to be mindful all the time, but how to try to be mindful all the time. I've never actually achieved the former. But I did give up trying for a while. <br /><br />Step 1: Be Mindful of the World Outside this Cube.<br /><br /><br />peace,<br />rachel audreyrachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-64690041298612601352010-02-15T17:54:00.005-06:002010-02-15T17:59:10.368-06:00More lessons in living<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV3iYCgb1oSIsiO-J1eoLSCg7ImDw3BZD3TXOcugo67mgPvAWwOPpFLC1hPdHdrjrRaWobzoxopkJ4XncC8yetLq9hZAOJKigdSbpXj8LD06j-ukTwZEDSbXPIkOUnfNgCsmLI8sxtI5s7/s1600-h/IMG_3413.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV3iYCgb1oSIsiO-J1eoLSCg7ImDw3BZD3TXOcugo67mgPvAWwOPpFLC1hPdHdrjrRaWobzoxopkJ4XncC8yetLq9hZAOJKigdSbpXj8LD06j-ukTwZEDSbXPIkOUnfNgCsmLI8sxtI5s7/s400/IMG_3413.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5438623243464260306" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpcrh28QY8YyA2b4GIOJwEAqWE7nMr1nzfJ7d60_UZoIIk-td9q47HPmiIEQNH97DAsl6H2MQybg1uja-09m07FP4PR0WeLByjn1JhIYB6IECF-YvobKmXFIaNvz3_7OygwHRSFQcNRSLJ/s1600-h/n38202103_31183697_6692.jpg"><br /></a><br />The current view from my kitchen window.<div><br /></div><div>Garden-level apartment living lesson #57:</div><div><br /></div><div>Make sure your circadian rhythms are reliable. Because in February, you will receive no cues from the sun indicating what time it may be out there.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>peace,</div><div>rachel audrey</div>rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-1825642859521051752010-02-10T14:51:00.004-06:002010-02-10T15:03:26.617-06:00Like corduroyYou see the lines run down his face<br />Like corduroy,<br />And you have to ask,<br />Whose plan went<br />So awry?<br />What dust has settled in that<br />Craggy landscape,<br />Debris from days and years of<br />Dreams built and broken?<br />Sighs from debts settled and<br />Words,<br />Too hastily spoken?<br />I asked him, I said,<br />Where have you been?<br />He whispered into my hair,<br />I walked down the street I lived on<br />And ended up right here.<br /><br />peace,<br />rachel audreyrachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-77100829254970735662010-02-09T17:15:00.004-06:002010-02-09T17:20:52.686-06:00Life LessonsThere are many reasons why people believe that living in a garden level apartment is unsafe. One of the lesser-known lessons is as follows:<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKH2CCv5hnQe6XYf7zfGUmcE9z0d9xfLtZhLV9xSQntS-rbIKF5nvAt7DAaNQ_B5j89WumYQw2yQFo5FFspO3PkuIlWngsXxnycukFwimoK3AZty2i9p02NLkC4cNGhwk82LSiIMxfiDP-/s1600-h/icicles.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 225px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKH2CCv5hnQe6XYf7zfGUmcE9z0d9xfLtZhLV9xSQntS-rbIKF5nvAt7DAaNQ_B5j89WumYQw2yQFo5FFspO3PkuIlWngsXxnycukFwimoK3AZty2i9p02NLkC4cNGhwk82LSiIMxfiDP-/s400/icicles.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5436386992788908002" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Meanwhile...2 stories below:<br /><br /><br />My front door.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3YTINQd4BN9Bm_SaawGgqSDDKco2_w8H_fGLM_sIFC7vpVr23cvi4xqNEmgC75a-L0Fh4Amb5_btJppJ3qOOnbCVEXA9plAn_xGDQ_iEs7dF5R0uVlJ_fAxc7RiGbfpD40ThJrPZZirQK/s1600-h/front+door.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3YTINQd4BN9Bm_SaawGgqSDDKco2_w8H_fGLM_sIFC7vpVr23cvi4xqNEmgC75a-L0Fh4Amb5_btJppJ3qOOnbCVEXA9plAn_xGDQ_iEs7dF5R0uVlJ_fAxc7RiGbfpD40ThJrPZZirQK/s400/front+door.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5436387156379807970" border="0" /></a><br />Apartment lesson number 56: Be prepared for imminent icicle-induced death.<br /><br />peace,<br />rachel audreyrachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-43982614439277665922010-01-28T22:24:00.002-06:002010-01-28T22:35:29.364-06:00Yes, this is what we do in the cubes.While my sister and I may live and work across the country from each other, we still manage to maintain a healthy level of communication. Well, maybe healthy is not the right word for it. Just wanted to share this excerpt. And yes, this is considered a normal exchange between her and I.<div><br /></div><div>On Wed, Jan 27, 2010 at 3:36 PM, Theresa L wrote:<br /><blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="border-left: 1px solid rgb(204, 204, 204); margin: 0pt 0pt 0pt 0.8ex; padding-left: 1ex;"> <div> <div><span><span style="font-family:Calibri;">i wonder if i can never keep potatoes for very long before they get squishy is because it is simply too warm where i live. and apartments don't generally have basements/root cellars.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Tahoma;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Tahoma;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div><div><span><span style="font-family:Calibri;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; "><b>From:</b> Rachel </span></span></span></div><div dir="ltr" align="left" lang="en-us"><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:85%;"> <b>Sent:</b> Thursday, January 28, 2010 9:10 AM<br /><b>To:</b> Theresa L</span></div><div dir="ltr" align="left" lang="en-us"><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:85%;"> <b>Subject:</b> Re: potatoes<br /></span><br /></div><div class="im"> <div></div> It's probably because you do not have the correct atmospheric conditions to sustain the quality of the potato's life. By which I mean, the potato is unhappy. Due to his unhappiness, he kills himself. Therefore his quality and his quantity of life are both decreased greatly because of your unfavorable atmospheric conditions. The remedy? Hire a comedian. Potatoes love to laugh. This will increase their quality, and thereby their quantity, of life greatly.</div><div class="im"><br /></div><div class="im">On Thu, Jan 28, 2010 at 10:22 AM, Theresa L wrote:<br /><blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="border-left: 1px solid rgb(204, 204, 204); margin: 0pt 0pt 0pt 0.8ex; padding-left: 1ex;"> <div> <div dir="ltr" align="left"><span><span style="font-family:Calibri;">However, I believe the potato is already at least comatose if not completely expired by the time it arrives at any person's home. Therefore, I'm not sure how much comedic relieve would assist in elevating their quality of life, because they are already headed into the downward spiral that culminates in our stomach, or la poubelle.</span></span></div><div dir="ltr" align="left"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Calibri;color:#0000FF;"><br /></span></div><div dir="ltr" align="left"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';color:#0000FF;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Georgia, serif; "><div><span><span style="font-family:Calibri;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; "><b>From:</b> Rachel </span></span></span></div><div dir="ltr" align="left" lang="en-us"><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:85%;"><b>Sent:</b> Thursday, January 28, 2010 10:33 AM<br /><b>To:</b> Theresa L</span></div><div dir="ltr" align="left" lang="en-us"><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:85%;"><b>Subject:</b> Re: potatoes</span></div></span></span></div><div dir="ltr" align="left"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">I must disagree. While the very nature of a potato's being does, on the surface, seem to mirror that of a dead or dying corpse in its stillness, there are many facets of a potato's nature that extend well beyond the visual expression of life. I implore you to avoid being one of those who assume a lack of movement means the extinction of life.</span></div><div dir="ltr" align="left"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><br /></span></div><div dir="ltr" align="left"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">p.s. To answer your original question, my day is going well. Guess we got a little off topic.</span></div></div></blockquote></div></div></blockquote></div>rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-43954897156395264882010-01-20T09:18:00.009-06:002010-01-20T09:57:11.535-06:00I must profess my love.<span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" ><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">He is my soul mate, my spirit guide. I wake up in the morning and he is always there. There is never a note on the pillow, "Sorry, Had to get up early, talk to you later." He does not leave his dirty boxers on the floor in a pile. He does not use my razor to shave. He never leaves toothpaste scum in the sink. Sometimes he leaves behind a little mess on the kitchen counter, but it is only because he knows I like to be reminded that he was there.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">When I am sad, he cheers me up. When I am empty, he fills me. When I am happy, he only adds to my excitement. He gets me through hard days at work, and pulls me out of bed in the early morning with a warm embrace. He works with me through thick and thin, always just sitting there, waiting for me. He never complains. Some days he is a little bitter, but always finishes with a hint of sweetness. He is excellent to share a cigarette with.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">He often reminds me of the days when I needed him most. The days when I was running on fumes, an hour of sleep here or there, lessons to prepare for, papers to write. Who always had my back? He did. Who met me early in the morning, at lunch, and again at 3:00 every single afternoon to keep me going? He did.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">He lets me cry into him. He lets me laugh and jostle him around. He lets me sit silently, fuming or just thinking. We never argue. His usual silence is an anchor that I hold onto very dearly.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">People try to tell me we spend too much time together. They tell me I am addicted to him, that I am only hurting myself the longer I stay with him. But they are all wrong. They don't understand. People fear his darkness, his intensity and complexity. Not me. I know it comes naturally to him, that it is not an act. Me and him, we're on the same wave.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">When I distance myself from him, I become weak. My world becomes dimmer, emptier, sadder, and achier. And I know he is just there, waiting for me. So I always run back, full of sorrow that I would ever think of leaving him.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I like him because he is strong, and I have made him that way. After years of trial and error, we have come to understand how to make every day perfect:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">8 scoops, fresh ground, for 6 cups.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Oh, Coffee. How I love thee.</span><br /></span>rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-58409841436737469292010-01-12T09:56:00.005-06:002010-01-13T10:15:01.020-06:00Stuff and things.<span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:100%;" >I just started reading <span style="font-style: italic;">Walden, Or, Life in the Woods</span>, by Henry David Thoreau. This being said, I should mention that I have "started" this book three or four times now, but I think I am ready for it this time. I believe it definitely takes a certain mind-set, and even perhaps a certain commitment, to read this book. Maybe I feel like I'm ready simply because I've been freaking out a lot about money lately (who hasn't?) and <span style="font-style: italic;">Walden</span> is proving to be, if not a ready provider of solutions, a source for some reprieve from money woes.<br /><br />Granted, I'm not very far in. And I realize that there are people out there who spend their lives reading and living out this book. Not that I could be one. But it is interesting to think about <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/31/garden/31yurt.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=yurt&st=cse">a life in the woods</a>.<br /><br />Perhaps I could not make the leap to life completely out in the woods, but I do think it's important to at least TRY stepping out of our social expectations of what a "normal", "quality" life is. I've been thinking about this a lot as I read about the housing market and hear about my friends buying homes. For the most part, all I have seen are articles about buying homes, when is the right time to do it, etc. These articles all are written on the assumption that one <span style="font-style: italic;">should</span> be buying a home, that it is expected, normal, and something we all will do at some point, it is just a matter of when. However, I did run across a <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/07/garden/07men.html?ref=style">very interesting article</a> in the New York Times the other day that definitely caught my eye.<br /><br />This article takes a different approach - it focuses on the men who wish they hadn't bought that home, the people who have become home-buyers and grown to regret it. In a time when all I hear is "renting is a waste", "now's the time to buy", I really like seeing the articles that are on my side. Now, whether my side is the result of logic or rather the result of an immature need to escape any real responsibility in this world, I'm not exactly sure. That is a different conversation altogether.<br /><br />But my point is this -- I am at an age where I see many people around me rushing towards what they believe is the American dream. Which is fine. But I have to wonder - are they doing it because they want it, or because they think they are supposed to want it? Great, no new revelation here --- I'm sure many a 20-something first entering the real world asks him or herself these questions about her own life or the lives of her peers, but this is the first time I feel I have been observing it from the outside.<br /><br />I live in a tiny TINY studio apartment, with a record player, a laptop, and my cat. No couch. Just a few chairs. My freezer is not big enough to fit a frozen pizza into. I can't remember the last time I went out to a dinner that didn't involve a hot dog or french fries. I keep my apartment heated to a toasty 58 degrees in the winter. I am not bragging. Nor am I asking for pity. It's the state of my being, for now, to live frugally for the most part, to throw money away on expensive coffee when I feel like it, and to find reasons to be happy living an existence that cannot rely on stuff, things, and gadgets. And who is to say whether it is good or bad to live this way? I am not passing judgment on those who have the means to buy homes, buy the good feta cheese, and heat their homes to a normal temperature when it is -30 outside. I am just trying to examine what it is that makes these things so appealing. What is it that makes us, as humans, WANT so many things?<br /><br />Hell if I know. Just something I've been wondering. And just so you don't get the wrong idea, yes, I probably will drive to a cafe this afternoon and put $3.00 on the counter in exchange for a poorly-made but oh-so-delicious latte. But I will recycle the cup.<br /><br />peace,<br />rachel audrey<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span>rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-79766749167610308962009-12-14T19:05:00.002-06:002009-12-14T19:09:29.501-06:00<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I packed my bags,</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">And left that place.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Promised I was never turnin' round,</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">But then I met my match-</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">She had my face.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I turned right on back, came home without a sound.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I said, Mama, what should I see?</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">She said, Darlin' take some time to see alone.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I said, Daddy, who should I be?</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">He said, Be the one who bravely marches on.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Someday, I'll see my path.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I know it will be bright and lined with stars.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">But right now, that's too much to ask.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I just want to sit alone to heal my scars.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Battles, they're lost and won.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">In the end it never really matters who.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">But this time, when yours has begun,</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Just remember that the lovers always lose.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Out of the desert,</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Into the plains.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Up to the city,</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">And startin' all again.</span>rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-21955370859443499282009-10-29T12:26:00.003-05:002009-10-29T13:00:58.954-05:00Mind the questions, not the answers, and damn the torpedoes.I can honestly say that I did not realize it had been so long since a post.<br /><br />Granted, I tend to believe (after the fact) that most of my posts are superfluous and unnecessary, with no real meat in them. But I guess it just depends on what one looks for in a post. And now it occurs to me that I might spend too much time thinking about the qualities of a post. So we're just going to move past it.<br /><br /><br />So the crazy lady next door, Sandra, has recently announced that she is going to stomp me. This comes as no surprise for those of you who are aware of the history I have with Sandra. For those of you who are not, the synopsis is this:<br /><br />According to Sandra, I strategically waited until she left to go pick up her daughter from school, and within that 10 minute time frame I found a dead black mouse and placed it in her parking spot as a racial threat.<br /><br />Those are the basic facts. Allegedly (not that I recall any of this actually happening, but what do I know?). Below is a story inspired by the event for those of you who would care to read further:<br /><br />It was a sweaty and satisfying end to a long day, and the evening proved to be gracious and merciful. I went outside to take a seat on my new perch in the stairwell of my garden-level apartment (although the “garden” turned out to be more of a jungle, bearing muskrat-sized zucchinis and ferocious, domestic-cat-attacking animals of the night, whose other victims I can only assume included the 3-legged rabbit I had seen limping around the property earlier that day).<br /><br />The cool evening air and the hush of traffic was enough to distract me from the woman yelling at me from the next house over. That is, until she repeated herself, louder this time.<br /><br />“ExCUSE me! Did you…” she said.<br /><br />“I’m sorry? I didn’t hear you,” I replied. Yay! I thought to myself. A new friend, a neighbor, one with whom I can share block gossip, one who will invite me in for dinner! Someone to give me the Heimlich maneuver when I find myself choking on a piece of lettuce while eating alone in my studio apartment.<br /><br />She repeated herself and the tone of her voice sent up red flags and some adrenaline rushing through my blood stream. This was the unmistakable voice of an angry woman on a mission; you could feel the weight of the massive hunk of granite resting on her left shoulder growing heavier with each syllable she spat.<br /><br />“Did you SEE who put a DEAD mouse in my FUCKING parking spot?”<br /><br />“A mouse?”<br />“A DEAD, BLACK, MOUSE.”<br /><br />“Did I see who put it there?” I only asked the question because the words “who” and “put” were really throwing me off here.<br /><br />“You fucking HEARD ME. Who the HELL put that dead fucking MOUSE in my PARKING SPOT!” I knew it was a question by the syntax, but she launched the words through the air at me more like a missile than a query.<br /><br />“Uh, are you sure it wasn’t a cat?”<br /><br />“There ain’t no fucking CATS around here.”<br /><br />“Well, I have a cat. But he stays inside, so I guess it wasn’t him. Are you sure there aren’t cats around here? I think I’ve seen cats here. But I just moved in, so I guess I don’t really know. But I think I saw a cat the other night…” The words dripped out of my mouth like water from a leaky faucet. Perhaps I was trying to bore this scary woman into leaving me alone by ceaselessly gabbing until she got so fed up that she would slam the kitchen window shut and forget I had ever existed.<br /><br />It turns out that approach wasn’t going to work. My run-on sentences merely acted as fodder for her fury.<br /><br />“It wasn’t no CAT. Someone waited for me to leave, then came out and put that DEAD fucking mouse where I park my car. RIGHT in the middle. Let me TELL you, I’m the wrong bitch to mess with…” And so on, so forth, and in the words of King Mongkut of Siam, ‘EtceteRA, etceteRA’.<br /><br />As Sandra (I later learned the demon-neighbor’s name was Sandra) continued with her threats and other various announcements through the dirty screen of her kitchen window, I withdrew into my own thoughts, with only the occasional “FUCK” or “Start a fire like you ain’t never seen” slipping through the filter I had put up against her words. I began to drift, and it occurred to me that I was at a crossroads. I clearly saw the two paths I could take – ignore this woman or not ignore her, it was that simple. And I realized that I had been training for this moment for nearly an entire year.<br /><br />“WWED?” I thought to myself. “What would Emily do?” This seemed like the most important question I could ask myself.<br /><br />Why Emily? Because Emily is a goddess. Emily is the answer to the world’s problems.<br />She has the charm of Paul Newman and the steel resolve of a Mafia hit man. She is sweet and beautiful, with a heart like a bottomless buffet – “Take! Take! Take!” she says with open arms, a glistening smile, and endless hugs and kisses for every soul in line. Emily will tell you that she is not charming, but merely naïve, although I will always argue that just her statement of this fact makes it fiction, for the naïve do not know they are so. Naïveté and ignorance are fruits of the same tree, and Emily is neither of these.<br /><br />I once watched Emily start a conversation with a rude and vaguely offensive man with whom those of us already sitting outside with him wanted little, if nothing to do. Within minutes she had learned and taught us all more about this man than I’ve learned about some people over the span of years, simply by asking him two questions: Are you healthy? Are you happy? She turned this stranger into another friend in the world, another spiritual fighter on our team. My idea of “stranger” melted away that day.<br /><br />Some of you may be thinking, “Yes, that’s great, but too much sugar is bad for the teeth.” To that I say two things: we can handle, and could use, a lot more sugar than conventional standards allow, and secondly, one of my favorite things about Emily is the sour to her sweet. Just when it gets to the point where you ask yourself, “Does this girl have no limits?! Does she really love everyone THAT FUCKING MUCH?!!”, you see her air punch the back of some guy’s head for pulling a pan out of the box that she JUST PACKED, the pan that she JUST WASHED.<br />It is this anchor, but not unhealthy attachment, to the “real world”, the one that most of us embrace too tightly, that makes Emily so amazing. Too many of us hold onto the negative, choose to see people in the lights of their worst attributes, brush off those things that are foreign to us and drown ourselves in the familiar stench of conservative reality. Emily refuses these conventions, but not without acknowledging their existence. After all, the heroine cannot slay the dragon without first admitting that it is alive and kicking.<br /><br />This is how I know she is not just crazy. Because the first time I ever met her, I was absolutely sure that Emily was certifiably insane. I had never met anyone so…nice. No-strings-attached, no-underlying-motives-NICE. Frankly, it was eerie. So I put up the old wall (you know, the one you whip out in line at the post office) and called it a day. But much to my surprise (and concern), it didn’t affect Emily at all. Like an arrow through the air of a crisp autumn day she hopped the fence and then proceeded to quickly (but oh-so-gently) take it down, pulling it apart and sorting the fragments into piles to be recycled and put to better uses than keeping the beautiful world out of this empty pasture.<br /><br />And as quickly as I had disappeared into my WWED thoughts, I re-emerged. I don’t have to think about what Emily would do. I know what she would do by instinct. This is another beauty of her being – her joy of love and life is so intrinsic and true that one doesn’t have to think about it at all.<br /><br />I stepped out of my head and right into the middle of Sandra’s threat to call her nephews on my ass (to teach me a lesson for putting the dead mouse in her driveway), and then she artfully segued into an explanation of the symbolic nature of the mouse’s color.<br /><br />“Would you like me to pick it up for you?” I interrupted.<br /><br />This stopped Sandra in her tracks.<br />“Excuse ME?”<br /><br />“I said, would you like me to pick up the mouse for you? Would that make you feel better?”<br /><br />“You can do whatever the hell you want. But that thing ain’t goin’ in my fuckin’ TRASH CAN.”<br /><br />Now Sandra seemed a little dazed, and while it may have been the effects of whatever mental disorder she suffers from, I would like to think that my neighborly chivalry had something to do with it.<br /><br />“That would be very kind of you,” she mumbled into the window screen.<br /><br />At that, I scooted inside, grabbed the first plastic bag I found, and edged my way over to the long-deceased carcass of our infamous rodent friend (whom I had, by the way, named Rudolph at some point along the way). Gingerly I scooped him up and put him into a trash can (I still don’t know which one is actually mine), said a quick “Good night and good luck” as I slammed the lid shut, and went to go tell Sandra of my heroic deed.<br /><br />I quickly walked back to her kitchen window, only to find that she had closed the glass and left me in the driveway all alone. And while I was relieved that she had decided to find a new target for her suffering, I was more overcome by the disappointment I felt for not being able to end my conversation with her the way I had planned, by asking her two simple questions:<br /><br />Are you happy? Are you healthy?rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-28391939858930077652009-07-29T16:25:00.001-05:002009-07-29T16:27:06.624-05:00To Whom It May Concern,To whom it may concern, <br /><br />The days of wine and roses are over. The sun no longer shines for us; in fact, I don’t believe it ever actually did. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Rather, it is the last day of the best of your life. Actually, yesterday was the last day. Today is the first day of the steady uphill trudge that is to be your daily grind from now on.<br /><br />We’ve had a good run, but every good thing must eventually come to an end. It was good while it lasted, and so on. We spin so many lines to describe the terrible events that no one wants to admit were actually that terrible (yet in which we fully immersed ourselves anyway in some vain attempt at happiness), but now I can move on to explaining to you how this new game works, as the old one has come to a bitter and crashing halt.<br /><br />First and foremost you must forego any attempts at self-flattery, adulation, and the achievement of happiness as you once knew it. The ghost of bliss we once easily recognized in the glow of kisses and steaming coffee has found shelter in more obscure places, creeping in through the cracks in the walls that were listening when we told the world how it ends—abruptly and without reason. Where there once was a soft and happy glow subtly illuminating the world so we could see it all at once, there now are just spotlights here and there, serving their purpose of illuminating singular moments of clear joy and cruelly creating a deafening darkness in the meantime, one through which we stumble and often fall. But just as we pitch ourselves unwittingly into the holes we also climb out into lovely moments once in a great while. These are the dreams which keep us walking.<br /><br />Secondly, you will grow to expect that no man or woman outside of your own soul will ever be able to support you in times of great spiritual need. Not your mother, your father, or the person with whom you spend every waking moment, the one that you think about when you fall asleep and again when you rise, the one about whom you dream while Moon laughs down at you. This is not to say that any one of these people does not want to help, it is just that they are generally standing too close to be privy to the vision of your crumbling. By the time you come to this point your grievances will be hidden at the bottom of a chest cloaked in the dust of so many years of wakeful stillness, and the bright pain of them will only present as the smallest pinprick of light to those outside. And while we all wish to find the soul mate that distinguishes this one light from the rest, most of us will never recognize our rescuers. <br /><br />To be continued,rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-60183809865576356562009-06-25T11:09:00.002-05:002009-06-25T11:23:18.662-05:00Wow, I didn't realize it had been so long. I had these grand plans of using Sundays to write entries, but like so many plans I make, that didn't really happen.<br /><br />I've been thinking a lot about self-discipline, and more specifically, my lack thereof. I think if I could only master that art, then my whole life would be monumentally easier (at least, on a daily basis). The key seems to be living one moment at a time, or trying one moment at a time. If I hold myself up to grand, epic standards with no specific daily goals then I will never achieve what I have the power to achieve.<br /><br />It's been an interesting month. It has highlighted my tendency to live on the wire, that is, I live in a constant feeling of trying to achieve balance. I don't know if it would be better to always find balance, or to always try for balance. I feel like always being balanced wouldn't suit my palette. This sounds almost masochistic, but I think that it would be quite boring to be balanced all the time. What I mean by balance is the perceived notion of emotional neutrality. I would say "stability", but I don't think that is the best word for it. I think one can be emotionally stable without necessarily being balanced. I think that a natural part of living life to its fullest is allowing yourself to fully immerse in all ranges of emotion. Yes, it can be painful at times when you're in the bucket, but it is also completely exhilarating during the ups. <br /><br />Of course, I say this because this is how I currently live. Maybe if I had found a way to stay steady on the wire, I would be preaching otherwise. <br /><br /><br />I stood up on my toes<br />To watch the coming Storm<br />Only to find that<br />The Rain had already fallen.<br /><br /><br />peace,<br />rachel audreyrachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-40689139849087312482009-05-13T10:12:00.002-05:002009-05-13T12:17:45.757-05:00401suc(k)sWhat am I doing here. What am I doing here. What am I doing here.<br /><br />Was coerced, or herded, really, into a meeting about 401(k)s and how I need to start worrying about my retirement today. If I want to be fiscally successful and independent, I should be putting 10% of my income away in a hidey hole. That's a great sentiment but then I would no longer be able to buy groceries. But really, eating is so passe, so I should probably give it up anyway.<br /><br />No wonder some people believe the world is going to end soon. "Our" (as in the Western world, and probably beyond) priorities are absolutely fucked. We are cogs in a machine and most of us don't even care. What is life? Life is not working. Life is not money. Life is not stuff. Life is people. It is blood, it is spirit, it is the sun shining and the clouds raining, it is walking and breathing and loving and speaking and connecting and playing and so many other things that are in-quantifiable, therefore of no great importance in the modern world for that very reason.<br /><br />Yes, I realize that it is wise to save money. It is something that I have to do in order to live in this world. But I get scared to think that someday I might be so involved in the quantifiable that I forget that those are DETAILS. My father told me that I was just going through a phase, that I'll grow up and come to realize that yes, the world is about money. If my notions that the world is much larger and more beautiful than a dollar bill can encompass are actually a phase, then I hope I die before I come out of it.rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-29958503173357877152009-05-03T12:17:00.003-05:002009-05-03T12:18:44.460-05:00Some days I wish I was steering. Others I'm happy I'm not. And the rest of the time I wonder who or what is <span style="font-style:italic;">supposed</span> to be steering.rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-91451034673429876842009-04-28T21:49:00.003-05:002009-04-28T22:02:33.705-05:00I was in the kitchen, and I heard it...so I came out.I was just sitting at my dining room table sorting through some old receipts after thoroughly lecturing myself on the importance of budgeting one's money, when I saw my planner sitting on the table.<br /><br />I opened it up and started writing things in it, then got very sad that I have relatively few things to write in it these days, at least compared to when I was in school. And I automatically was caught in a weak grip of panic, but instead of surrendering I asked myself, "Why don't you enjoy this freedom? Go ahead. Yep. You...there you go."<br /><br />I still have a bit of a sour feeling in my stomach, but I'm used to it. <br /><br />This morning as I was leaving my house I caught a whiff of my shared hallway, and it's a smell that I recognized from moving into the place. The other day I cleaned my carpet with the same solution I used when I shampooed my sofa upon arrival in the Twin Cities. Where is the crazy sniffer lady going with this? Both of these smells instantly transported me back to the crazed feeling of panic I had when I moved up here, instead this time I was an observer, not a participant. And I actually smiled about it. Look at you, I said. Look at you there, freaking out, with no one in the room to protect you from your own fears, with no one to grab your shoulders and shake you. And guess what. You're still alive. And quite smug about it. Look at you, indeed.<br /><br />Then I went to work, where I alternately consoled, cajoled, and harassed harried loan officers all day. Oh well. The good with the bad I suppose.<br /><br /><br />As a sidenote, I sometimes wonder if the world can be boiled down to love and fear, and am wondering if we perhaps combine and/or confuse the two.rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-944022232682356752009-04-23T22:11:00.002-05:002009-04-23T22:21:46.484-05:00eveningI am waiting for something to happen. I have conflicting feelings about this situation. It is exciting, and generally fills me with a creative spirit that seems to lend itself to exciting happenings. But it also crosses my mind that I may not be forever satisfied with waiting for something to happen. Then I remember that while I do spend time waiting for things to happen, I also spend time experiencing new and wonderful things. In the end I can only hope that I never forget what it's like to enjoy/look forward to/work towards CHANGE.rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-21272286724538652842009-04-13T20:02:00.002-05:002009-04-13T20:10:43.497-05:00PHEW!Okay, so I got some things out of the way in the last few days. To use an overextended phrase, I literally do feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I didn't realize how heavy it was until I finally chose to put it down. I even caught myself trying to pick it up again. Old habits die hard, I guess.<br /><br /><br />Nobody wants to gasp for air in icy water alone. But as it turns out, the people who manage to avoid it are the ones left on the other shore, and not the one where the grass is greener.<br /><br /><br />"keep on swimming, keep on swimming..."rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-64718268984218608372009-03-31T12:10:00.004-05:002009-03-31T12:13:56.979-05:00Keep Calm and Carry On<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://static3.shopify.com/s/files/1/0001/8314/products/KEEP-CALM-POSTER-LOW_large.jpg?1238280068"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 330px; height: 480px;" src="http://static3.shopify.com/s/files/1/0001/8314/products/KEEP-CALM-POSTER-LOW_large.jpg?1238280068" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />Propaganda poster from 1939 intended to comfort and inspire the populace should the massed armies of Nazi Germany ever cross the Channel.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/mar/18/keep-calm-carry-on-poster">Keep Calm and Carry On</a><br /><br />I think we can all use a little dose of this idea.rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-15464971586234080892009-03-22T22:23:00.003-05:002009-03-22T22:31:58.682-05:00Another week on the journey. What have I learned?<br /><br />I reconnected with a really close friend of mine, and made a new friend along the way. These two have and will surely in the future be important spiritual seekers and guides.<br /><br />Someone helped me pinpoint something this week. He told me that he believes I have found out that I have power over my life, over the course of events that unfold, and the ultimate power in how I choose to perceive those things. I think he's definitely onto something, and putting that feeling into a tangible sense makes the vibe that much stronger and more empowering, and it just keeps multiplying upon itself.<br /><br /><br />Stranger to a seeker you may be,<br />But no longer dampen the spirit of the learner<br />Instead seek to quell your own spells of hunger<br />By breaking bread with the one who asks you questions.<br /><br />Your answers are not the ultimate truth<br />But that one is a sneaky fellow<br />Changing skins to suit the notions that we keep<br />And in the end, the ultimate is not so useful as we hope.<br /><br />Through the searching eyes of those who sometimes seek us,<br />Though we know not why,<br />We can create a mirror into<br />The things which we cannot see for ourselves, of ourselves.<br /><br /><br />peace and much love.rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-21152857592668950162009-03-15T14:11:00.002-05:002009-03-15T14:14:02.081-05:00wha??I played with the trio at the Dakota Friday night. Then on Saturday I opened for Tricky with Deep Soul Deities. Best weekend ever.<br /><br />When you show the universe you want it, the universe will generally lend a hand.<br /><br />Peace and love to you all.rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-56700724502549010442009-03-11T13:20:00.002-05:002009-03-11T13:43:14.459-05:00I want to play music so badly that it makes my stomach do a little turn-y bubbly thing whenever I think about it. Sometimes it makes me sick.<br /><br />I have fought against being a musician since I started playing the saxophone 13 years ago. I only just recently came around to it in the last couple years. I tried and tried to put it down, leave it behind, do something more economically productive, something that would more likely ensure financial success, something that would put me on an easy path of approval through tangible accomplishments.<br /><br />I remember growing up how much I fought. I remember one day in particular when I was really upset about a lesson I was supposed to have, and how freaked out I was that I didn't think I was prepared for it, and how hard the music was, how much I sucked, blah blah blah. I worked myself up into a pretty good mess about that one, and told my mom I didn't want to do it anymore, I couldn't handle it, and that music wasn't for me, that I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. She sat me down and we had this conversation:<br /><br />Mom: "Rachel, how many times have you cried over grades?"<br />Me: "Um, maybe once."<br />Mom: "Rachel, how many times have you cried about theater stuff?"<br />Me: "Never."<br />Mom: "How many times have you cried about your friends?"<br />Me: "Don't know. Never."<br />Mom: "How many times have you cried about boys?"<br />Me: "Never! No point!"<br />Mom: "How many times have you cried about your saxophone?"<br />Me: "Every freaking day. *Sniff**hiccup**"<br />Mom: "I think you are going to be a musician."<br /><br /><br />And that's when I told myself to stop fighting it. But I still did, just not with as much conscious effort. But everything up until now has been child's play. My world growing up, and the academic world into which I replanted after graduating high school were cradles, where nothing could really test my relationship with music. But now, scrapping my way through a world where people don't have jobs, homes, or money, let alone the time to think about where musicians fall into line, the fight has suddenly become a lot more important to me. And where I was once fighting against it, I now find myself fighting for it harder than I've ever fought for anything.<br /><br />I think of music as a very real entity in my life. I consider myself to be married to it, completely committed even on the days when I wake up and think, "I WANT OUT!!". My saxophones are not instruments, they are the only children I ever want to have. I mourn for their injuries and want nothing more than to give them wonderful and exciting lives. I feel a personal responsibility to be the greatest musician I possibly can be, if only to avoid disappointing the entity which is my greatest love.<br /><br /><br />Yes, there's some cheese there. But eat it. Because it is honestly made.<br /><br />Now stop wasting time and go give somebody a hug.rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-80671491565104521172009-03-05T13:21:00.002-06:002009-03-05T13:27:01.612-06:00Ode to PierreWork is slow. Yesterday I named my electric stapler and gave him a face, similar to the idea of Tom Hank's volleyball in Castaway, the name of which escapes me at this moment. My stapler's name is Pierre, and this is an ode to him.<br /><br /><br />You sit and stare<br />Oh Pierre,<br />While I type<br />Useless numbers into a dead machine.<br /><br />You quietly wait,<br />Oh Pierre,<br />For someone to need your glorious power.<br /><br />Oh Pierre,<br />You are the binder,<br />Turning mere sheets of paper into bundles of economy.<br /><br />How empty this desk would be<br />Without you,<br />Dear Pierre.<br /><br /><br /><br />Somebody save me. On the bright side, I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon for a mini Iowa tour with Deep Soul and don't have to see this desk again until Tuesday. Woot!rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-70052374403840643812009-03-01T23:11:00.002-06:002009-03-01T23:28:53.201-06:00Life in all its varietiesMy plants, as it turns out, are not dead. They were simply pretending and have recently begun to radiate my windowsill with life. This makes me happy, as I thought I was responsible for the death of five plants that have been with me for the last five years. Turns out they were just really cold.<br /><br />In other news, just got back from recording some tracks for the Deep Soul demo (we are playing March 7 at the Hub, for those of you in the valley of cedars), and experienced that moment I think (hope, for my selfish sake) every musician recognizes when you hit a wall and are forced to admit you will not scale it immediately. Well, I hit the wall, and it stunned me and even got me a little upset, but I'm just going to go to bed and see how my horn and I are getting along tomorrow.<br /><br />Ah, Monday. The day when I am forced to reckon with the fact that I have an office job. Some days are harder than others to reckon with my desk, to convince myself that it's just for the rent and won't be my permanent life. I am generally thankful that I have a job at all, as that is more than many can say at this point in time. <br /><br />Whenever I get down about life I try to take a moment to send some positive vibes to others, to wish them luck in finding employment (as many friends of mine are currently hunting), to help them find peace in their meanings, and to provide a knowledge that I will always be there to lean on, as I would hope they would be there for me. After spending a few minutes focusing my energies towards others, I generally find the day approachable and more welcoming.<br /><br />Oh yes, and this weekend marks my first six months in the Twin Cities. I couldn't be more pleased and excited about my life here. I think back to my first months here and absolutely cannot believe the progress I've made, not only with my life goals but also the ways that I have grown as a human being. I cannot express how it feels to be writing this right now, but I can express my firm belief that while we all go through some frighteningly trying times, battling life and our own minds and egos, there is so much to be learned through fighting those battles. I thought I knew exactly who I was when I graduated college. I thought I knew exactly who I was until I moved up here, actually. Then I learned that there were many things about me that I hated, that I feared, that I didn't understand at all. I was forced to examine these things and take a proactive role in my life for the first *real* time, ever. And while it still scares me and some days fills me with panic, I know that I have made the right decisions, have led myself down a path filled with surprising and beautiful things.<br /><br />I wish you all serenity and love.rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-11866962552487544282009-02-27T02:17:00.004-06:002009-02-27T02:24:13.719-06:00Thank you unwitting guruI love all of you. We are all profoundly inspiring each other without realizing it. Those who do realize it often take it upon themselves to become the guru of others, and for that we should all thank them.<br /><br />For those of us who are imploding upon our selves, please remember that the people in your life are pillars, and often enjoy playing that role more than you are aware.<br /><br />World spins without us and we choose<br />To see that we are not important enough<br />Or too important to be effective<br />On daily movement, planet life continues.<br /><br />Vagabond dreamers hold truths precious<br />To hearts soldered shut by days passed<br />Lovers gone and love whisked away.<br /><br />Now softly cloaking our eyes<br />With veils of egos, boost our smiles<br />Quickly, now let no man peek <br />Inside a haunted dream.rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-11377634843660126912009-02-22T20:51:00.003-06:002009-02-22T21:06:43.069-06:00I was following the pack of swallows.Sunday night. I cannot remember a time in my life when I didn't dread Sunday nights. It is one of my greatest accomplishments in the last few months that I now revel in the glory of Sunday evenings. I generally get to spend my Sunday evenings with a group of people who have proven to be vital in my sanity since I moved up here. They are beautiful and amazing people who have taught me what is valuable and important in this short life that we all live together. And even when I don't see those people on Sundays, I take that time to think about how important the people in my life are to me. It's a new revelation for me to be so positively and consciously engaged in the relationships I have with, well, everybody.<br /><br />As I'm sure you may have noticed, I've been posting some poetry. That is because about two weeks ago, I began to write again, after a four year hiatus. I couldn't be happier. The same person who inspired me to begin writing again told me last night that once we focus on the love we have for the people we spend time with, then that love becomes the only thing of importance, and the world just has to come to terms with that. I can feel the world around me shifting towards this notion, and it fills me with indescribable peace.<br /><br /><br />If birds could walk like humans<br />Would they proudly march<br />In bubbles made of their own egos<br />Or would they flock?<br /><br />Rush around in mad scrambles<br />To follow the wind<br />To no avail, because their wings<br />Are gone, not just clipped but<br />Taken away completely?<br /><br />Hold their heads up high<br />And preach convictions,<br />Thinly veiled bitter gems<br />Cloaked in righteous beauty?<br /><br />Or would they fall,<br />Crippled by the loss of <br />Wings that used to carry<br />Bodies less burdened?rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3088852738472213531.post-21258278286846167422009-02-20T15:38:00.002-06:002009-02-20T15:41:35.486-06:00Pick up where you left off.<br />Don't let a second pass without<br />Telling the world what is wrong<br />And why, and who did it.<br /><br />Raise the alarm wake the guards<br />They've missed the coming of<br />The enemy to our gates as he<br />Breaks them down and threatens to<br />Build them newer, better, stronger, fiercer.<br /><br />Set your arrows upon the man who<br />Tells you you are wrong and all that's true<br />Is false and your fear is false just like<br />Your pride and sorrow and the<br />Only truth is in your love,<br />Which you've locked away and lost.<br /><br />Set the dogs upon the scent<br />Of love long lost, it hides<br />Somewhere deeper than we know<br />But we will look and<br />They will bark even if it's dead<br />It must be somewhere and they will smell it.<br /><br />Just like the scent of fear, so palpable is the<br />Aroma of love even smothered<br />We will look and they will bark<br />It must be somewhere, we will find it.rachel audreyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17389500268130189797noreply@blogger.com0